hi. I'm typing this from 5/14/2024, two months in the future. The stuff in the next section was something I wrote in March. I don't remember writing any of it. At the time, I was very burnt out and it got worse. I'll write about that in the next post. Ciao..! --Future Sophie
hello. i have a problem. i feel like i complain a lot about having a lack of motivation yet yearning for productivity so im not going to post about that this week... not! just kidding!! i am going to post more complaints. its spring break and i am in a horrible mindspace so i am going to write about my problems online again. readers beware... youre in for a scare..
first: this is the first semester i am not going to get an A in all of my classes. i feel like i am going to explode. i dont feel good at all. for some reason i am procrastinating more than usual. most of the time i will delay an assignment until a few hours before it is due and then complete it at then. i have always done this. but this semester, i have assignments that cannot be completed in only two hours. usually this signals to me that i must complete it in advance (for example, six hours before the deadline instead of just two hours), but i cannot convince myself to do this. idk why!
this sucks. i wish i could just open the assignments and do it, but that makes me miserable. i hate it. ive been thinking more and more about why im putting so much effort into everything. im trying to get into a really good university with really good accolades, but it doesnt really matter, does it. why cant i just settle with average? i could make lots of money if i just stopped with a master's degree and didn't attempt a phd in the first place. i want to do a phd for the prestige, for the honorific that distinguishes my status compared to most people, and i want a good university so i can brag about it. but i dont need to go to a good university (my current university would gladly award me a phd with significantly less effort, really). why do i put so much effort into... everything? idk again.
over the past three days, my phone time has averaged six hours. that ignores the time i spend off my phone and on my computer, which ultimately brings the total time i spend not doing anything productive even higher. i dont want to do anything. the internet says that being "depressed" means you dont want to do anything, but i guess its more realistic to say i want to be on my phone, so i dont think im "depressed". maybe this is burnout? i dont know and i dont care what its called, i just want it fixed. i hate this. everything sucks. i dont even know what i want so i dont know how to resolve this. i have so, so, so much work to do right now that i shouldnt even be relaxing (if you can even call this relaxing, im so stressed it feels like im not despite not doing any work). idk.
i know the resolution here. i need to look at my to-do list and do those things on the list and then keep making steady progress to completing my goals. but god, i dont want to. i look at famous researchers in computer science and other fields and they have constant projects going on, they publish dozens of things a year and its because they're constantly working. how do they do it? they wouldnt be doing what im doing right now. they would work no matter what. if i want to be like them, i need to work.
- Sophie